


Complicated.

by justsimpleeemeee



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angsty Angst With More Angst, F/M, Heavy Angst, I am so sorry, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, What Was I Thinking?, this is so painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 16:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8217200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsimpleeemeee/pseuds/justsimpleeemeee
Summary: What COULD have happened between Ed & Olivia post-Manhattan Transfer. 
 
(Thankfully it didn't. I am so sorry for this.)





	

Walking in the front door to Olivia's apartment, Ed immediately knew something was wrong. Beyond the hell that the day and the Catholic Church had rained down on them, Tucker could guess that her meeting with 1PP had something to do with the gloomy atmosphere. The apartment that was normally bright and happy was steeped mostly in darkness, save for tiny bit of light peering from the bedroom. Olivia stood by the window looking out at the falling snow with a glass of wine pressed against her lips. While watching snow fall was normally a peaceful activity, Liv's anxiety and emotions were running rampant, wracking her body in an uncontrollable desire to drink a little more, to fall a little deeper, to sink into the bottom of a bottle.

But she had Ed and he wouldn't let her. For that, she was grateful. She didn't want to be anything like her mother, and she was struggling lately. Between being in charge of Special Victims, being promoted and therefore  _encouraged_  to attend political shindigs with 1PP, being a mother to Noah, and keeping her relationship with Ed a secret, well, until tonight, she was completely overwhelmed. It wasn't that she regretted any of her decisions, but it was a lot of change and responsibility at once. She knew she could handle it, but that didn't make it any easier, especially on bad days. And today was horrendous.

She heard the door open but never turned to face him, instead letting him walk over to her. He wrapped his arms around her middle and leaned into her so his forehead rested against the back of her head. He let out a little breath as she sighed into his embrace, relaxing for a brief moment. She took one more glance out the window before turning around in his arms, sliding her own around his waist.

"Hi." Her meek voice caught him off guard as he noticed the puffy red eyes searching his. She'd been crying.

He bent down and captured her lips with his in a brief kiss, one that was just enough to try and ease her pain but not enough to elicit the removal of their clothes. The moment their lips parted, their foreheads met. They were holding on to each other, almost as if afraid to let the other go. Olivia took a breath and steeled herself in preparation for her conversation with Ed.

"1PP transferred me. As of now, I am no longer commanding officer of SVU. Starting Monday I'll be working in Community Affairs." The humorless laugh that followed almost scared Ed. This was not a side of Olivia Benson that he had been exposed to. She was resigned from the situation. In that moment, she wasn't thinking about fighting for her command, fighting for her rightful place, fighting for herself. She was done.

"Olivia… what are you going to do?" Ed was treading as lightly as possible, not wanting to upset her and feeling horrible because this whole situation was his fault. If he hadn't been in the picture, Olivia never would have lost her command to begin with. He'd told her not to fight for him earlier at the bar, but even then he wasn't sure she'd listen. It had been too late. 1PP knew about them and had made their decision. His meeting with the brass was in the morning, but he wasn't nearly as worried about his situation than he was about Liv's. No matter what, he had to protect her. This was not fair at all, and he had every intention of making it right for Olivia Benson. She was not going to suffer because of him.

Rather than answer him, she brought her glass up to her lips again, letting the wine slowly take hold and ease her pain. This was her fourth glass, not that she planned on letting Ed in on that little detail. He'd taken longer to get there than she'd expected but it had given her a little time to think about what she was going to do about everything. Sadly, she was no closer to coming up with a solution at the moment.

Ed noticed her lack of response to his question and immediate drinking instead. He wouldn't have been worried about it but she didn't just take a sip. She was almost gulping, swallowing half the glass in one swig. Taking a closer look at the situation, he saw her sway on her feet slightly.  _There's no way this is her first glass tonight, maybe not even the first bottle._ Sure enough, when he glanced around the room he found the empty bottle in the recycling and a half empty bottle on the counter.  _She told me she never wanted to be like this. Olivia specifically said she never drank a lot because of what happened with her mother, but now she's here drinking to forget. I did this to her. None of this would have happened if it weren't for me. I can't let her do this. She'll destroy herself and everything she's worked so hard for. I can't let her._

When Liv reached for Ed he almost flinched. "Ed come on. What's wrong?" The confusion was written all over her face as she tried to assess his reaction to her.

"I uh, shit, Olivia I can't do this." He watched as the pain sent a ripple of shock throughout her body.

"You…what?" As much as it hurt to look at him, she couldn't tear her eyes away from Ed.  _What the hell?_

"This. I can't do it. You and me? It's…" he paused, too many thoughts running through his mind to adequately explain his reasons.

"I'm so sorry Olivia," he barely managed to say as he turned, grabbing his coat and shutting the door quietly behind him.  _Please understand one day. I'm doing this for you. I love you._

He hadn't even turned before the tears had been falling for both of them, though Olivia never saw Ed's through her own.  _What just happened? How the hell did this go so wrong?_

* * *

Thankful that she didn't have to worry about Noah for the night as he was staying with a friend from his daycare, whose parents had been thoroughly vetted beforehand, she pulled herself together and found clothes to wear out. The past twenty-four hours had been spent questioning what the hell happened between her and Ed, crying, and wanting to drink a hell of a lot more than she did. Tonight, however, she was going out with every intention of drinking. After pulling on a black top and a pair of jeans, she ran her fingers through the loose waves of her hair. Taking one last glance at herself in the mirror, she was ready to go.

The bar was crowded enough for her to blend in without getting singled out, but not so crowded that it was overwhelming. Further torturing her broken heart she ordered bourbon, downing it entirely too fast. The second and third glasses passed her lips just as quickly. Instead of dulling the reminder of what had recently become her reality, the alcohol fueled her emotions and thoughts before a familiar voice invaded her space.

"Olivia Benson, it's been a while." The man sat down on the stool next to hers and ordered a beer. She took in the sight, slightly admiring his build. He'd always been an attractive man but he must've been working out recently because he looked fantastic. His arms were well defined and he'd cut his hair a little differently since the last time she'd seen him.

"Hey Michael. Nice to see ya," she replied easily. He smiled in response, showing his boyish dimples that had pulled her in before. After Elliot had left without a word, she met Michael in this same bar one night and they'd immediately hit it off. He was funny and charming, devastatingly handsome in a rugged way, and knew his way around her body. Neither really wanted more than a bit of comfort but ended up become good friends who occasionally enjoyed the benefits of more. As great as Michael was, he wasn't looking for the same things in life and friendship just worked better for them. By the time Brian was in the picture, Michael was practically a fixture in her life. Slowly, though, her relationship and job had limited her time and they drifted apart, only catching up through texts every now and then.

"How've you been Liv?" Her gaze shifted down to her now empty glass in response as she turned it over in her hands.

She smiled sadly before answering, "Ah, let's not talk about that."

"Understood." He signaled for the bartender and ordered Olivia another bourbon. This time she sipped at it, as content as she could be given the circumstances, sitting with an old friend.

"So what have you been up to, M?" He laughed at the old nickname, remembering how one night they'd been at her apartment drinking and she was laughing so hard that she couldn't say 'Michael' so she simply shortened it to the letter 'M' instead.

"Well, I took that job and travelled around Europe for a few years, as you know. Met a girl, fell in love, was gonna propose and then she dropped the bomb on me that she was already married." He stopped and took a swig of his beer before continuing. "So I came back to New York after that and it's been alright. Nobody compares to you of course, Livvie darling," he winked and she laughed.  _It feels good to laugh._ Michael knew how much she hated being called 'Livvie' so he naturally used it generously. He was the only person she'd ever let get away with it and he knew it.

A few more rounds led to more laughter and talking. It was nice for the two friends to catch up after so much time had passed. Olivia yawned and Michael immediately paid the tab before standing, reaching his hand out for her to join in.

"Come on, Livvie. I am taking you home," he said gallantly, before they both cracked up. Far too drunk to walk on her own, she leaned against him and he grabbed her hand, holding it in his. The bar was only a few blocks from her apartment so they walked, albeit a little slowly so she wouldn't stumble, laughing the whole way back.

Michael opened his mouth to bid her goodnight when she opened the door and dragged him inside with her. While he used the restroom she made coffee, knowing she'd want it in the morning and have no energy to make it then. Her mind was fuzzy, blurring enough that she wasn't worried about her job or her now lack of a relationship with the one person she actually thought she'd have a future with.

"It was good to catch up with you tonight Liv," Michael exclaimed, moving into the kitchen with her.

"It was. I've missed you M. I'm glad it was you who spoke to me tonight. I didn't want to talk to anyone," she laughed.

His hands led her closer until they met in a warm hug. When he pulled away he kept his arms around her waist and watched as she tilted her head to the side slightly in response, as if considering his actions. Before she knew what she was doing, her lips were on his and she was leaning into him. Michael parted hers with his tongue, slightly probing her mouth as she rolled her tongue against his. They'd always had chemistry and been uncomplicated.

Her eyes were shut as she continued their kiss. Moments passed and Michael flipped them around so she was being pressed up against the wall, her hands just beginning to explore his clothed body. Her body hummed against his and she moaned into his mouth. He pulled back slightly, parting their lips as her hands found his ass.

"Mmmm Liv." Hearing his voice shocked her into awareness.  _What are you doing Olivia? This isn't you._ She pushed him away lightly and tears gathered in her eyes once again.

"I can't. We can't," she sobbed.

"Liv I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cross a line here." He was sincere, something she'd never doubted with him. He had no idea what had recently happened with Ed or with her job. She refused to talk about it.  _Why is he blaming himself? He didn't do anything wrong. This is on me._

"Michael, no, it's not you. I just can't. You didn't cross a line," she whispered against his chest, her hands clutching the fabric of his shirt to hold herself up.

He pulled her chin up so she had no choice but to meet his eyes with her own. "Hey Livvie. Whatever happened, whatever it is, it'll be okay. Do you need me to do anything for you?" She shook her head 'no' and he hugged her one more time before backing up.

"Goodnight Olivia. It was good to run into you tonight. Now I'm going to head out before I'm tempted to kiss you again. Can't have you crying because you've kissed my ugly mug again," he smiled, thankful to hear her chuckle.

"Goodnight Michael." He turned to leave but she called out to him before he was out the door. "Hey M? Thank you." His dimples returned for a second before he closed the door behind him.

Pouring a glass of water, she made her way into her bedroom. Olivia curled up in the bed that felt abnormally empty and cold. She hugged the pillow that still smelled like Ed and cried, letting out the pent up emotions, including the guilt at what transpired with Michael. It didn't mean anything and was just a kiss, but she couldn't help but feel like she'd betrayed him, even after acknowledging the fact that Ed had broken things off with her.

_I miss you Ed Tucker. I don't know what the hell happened but I miss you and I need you. God I love you._

* * *

The night was cold. Snow hadn't fallen since the previous night but it was still below freezing, especially with the wind chill. Tucker walked briskly to keep warm. He'd already bought coffee and done his grocery shopping, but couldn't stand the idea of sitting at home alone. He missed Olivia more than anything.  _I let her go because she's better off. Remember that Ed. You did this for her._

He still had his key to her apartment and made his way in that direction. Before he knew it, he was standing outside her door. Ed brought his hand up to knock before his thoughts stopped him.  _Don't do this to her. She's better off without you. It's not fair to risk her job and her life. You love her too much to do that to Olivia. She deserves better._

_But I need her. God I love her and Noah so much._

The tug-of-war ended as he dropped his hand and turned to walk away. She meant too much to go back now. Olivia Benson deserved far more than Ed Tucker could give her.

_But I love her._

* * *

_Do not pick_ _up the phone and call him, Olivia. He obviously doesn't love you if he didn't return any of the calls you sent him earlier. Maybe you never mattered to him after all._

_But I love him._

* * *

But sometimes love isn't meant to be. Or maybe sometimes love is meant to be but people complicate it, distorting the reality until there is nothing left, no more room for second chances and no choice but to move on without the person you love more than anything in the world.


End file.
